Christians Use Science... kind of

In this article a survey (that’s the science part… hey, you applaud a child for pooping in the potty rather than their pants, same principle here, baby steps people, baby steps) done by a “research team” (I’m picturing three assistant pastors in khakis, pressed short sleeve button downs and loafers, glasses and massive amounts of hair gel are accessories) shows that many of the “unchurched” Americans would go to church if invited.

According to the article the survey covered all 50 states and parts of Canada in wide-ranging demographic areas and included an equal amount of females and males.

Sounds promising right? Wide demographics, varying parts of the country, balanced gender questioning but wait, what’s this? The research involved precisely 308 men and women… not the biggest test group I’ve seen I’m afraid. Even if you count all of Canada as only one state that equals 6 people per state, basically 3 men and 3 women for every state in the union, plus Canada. (Remember the title of this blog does say “science… kind of”)

Pathetic.

There were “Surprises and Then Some” also found because of the study. I’d like to touch on each of those here since quite frankly I am surprised that they’re surprised:

Surprise 1: “Most of the unchurched prefer to attend church on Sunday morning if they attend.”

First off, how would they know if they’re unchurched? If they go to church even irregularly, and I think “…if they attend” implies that at least some do, then aren’t they “churched” at least slightly? Whatever the hell churched means.

And of course they prefer Sunday morning, what’d you think they’d say? Happy hour? Plus, do you really offer main services any other time? I know Wednesday and Sunday nights are offered but even your precious “churched” don’t all go to that.

Surprise #2 “Most of the unchurched feel guilty about not attending church.”

Well they can’t feel too guilty or they’d get their fat lazy asses up on Sunday morning and go.
And they feel guilty probably because a church member is sitting there asking them if they feel guilty for not going to church. That’s the same as having an amputee sitting in front of you saying “Do you want to look at my missing appendage?” To which I would reply “Well I do now that you’ve pointed it out.” You lead them to that feeling. Way to use Jesus to uplift the people guys.

Surprise #3: I love this one “96% of the unchurched are at least somewhat likely to attend church if they are invited.”

Really? 96%? Sounds a lot like Saddam Hussein’s victories in the old “free elections” in Iraq. They go on to say that they estimate 160 million people in the US are unchurcehd and “if our research is close to accurate…” (spoiler alert: it’s not) then more than 153 million people are just waiting for a friend to ask them to go to church with them. It’s the only thing holding them back people.

Surprise #4: “Very few of the unchurched had someone share with them how to become a Christian. And Christians have not been particularly influential in their lives.”

Well there’s the reason that 96% of them might go to church if asked, they don’t know any Christians. To be fair I’m supposedly surrounded by them but I don’t know any either, just hypocrites, but I digress.

And for all you unchurched out there becoming a Christian is easy, just go buy the oldest fantasy book you can, it’s called the Bible, and believe it whole heartedly. (Yet I have friends make fun of me for watching Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica)

Surprise #5: “Most of the unchurched have a positive view of pastors, ministers, and the church.”

That’s because they aren’t paying attention to you! Did you not see your own point #4? If they knew more of you their opinion would not be so high. The fact of the matter is that churches spend billions upon billions in p.r. every year to make themselves seem like an upstanding, moral, ethical, good for you type of group. If you were that good you wouldn’t need to spend a dime, wouldn’t need billboards, wouldn’t need books, wouldn’t need televangelists, wouldn’t need any of it. People would beat down the church doors just to get to be a part of it.

And just for the record, I am part of that 4% so please, please don’t ask me to go to church with you, it’ll spare us that uncomfortable moment while I explain to you that what you believe is insane, and I hate hearing Christians stammer when they inevitably can’t answer any of about 1000 questions their beloved faith doesn’t address.